Glass
by Shesbeenlying
Summary: Manipilative. Captivating. And so vulnerable. Playing games is what it's all about. And she'll never admit she's losing. Welcome to the world of Summer Roberts. Updated.
1. In the Dark

**Glass**

**Rating: R-for future chapters/language. **

**Summary: Manipilative. Captivating. And so vunerable. Playing games is what it's all about. And she'll never admit she's losing. Welcome to the world of Summer Roberts. **

**Disclaimer: Welcome to My story bitch, I don't own the OC. Clearly. I just live in it. **

**A/N: yeah so here begins a story about Summer that I plan on mapping out. I have a few ideas mapped out fot his, and your reactions and reviews are appercitated greatly.**

Waking up this beautiful is kind of hard, you know. Really it is. My nails are French manicured still. And pink pajama bottoms are sticking to my thighs. My lace tank top is kind of itching too. But despite all that I can't help but blame myself every morning for his mistakes. Even though my self-help books, say it totally isn't...But behind stretching out in rolls of pink and baby blue sheets, I find myself on the verge of tears again. But I'm better than tears. I'm better than him anyways. I mean look at me. Look at what I've always been. It isn't a secret to myself, and nobody makes it a secret. This is all I've ever known. So fuck him! In angry bursts I throw off the sheets. I run to my closet and pick out the hottest thing he's ever seen. He'll wish he never let me go this far. And I'll wish secretly to myself that I never let myself go this far. Perfect curls, and pink lips smacked, is all he will see. That's all he'll be able to see when I walk past him and show him what the hell he's been missing. Because in my book, there's only one rule, never loose...especially to Seth Cohen.

So with all that in mind, printed up in little books in my head, organized and stored. I repeat it like a mantra, and build up the fierceness that I know I totally have.

I find myself with new boys, laughing and hoping he's watching. Letting the sun pour into my hair and throwing back my head in fit of giggles. Strutting across the afternoon heat they all watch, I know he'll be crawling for me soon.

But when I'm alone...

Yes when I'm alone that all starts to cave in little crumbles. I try to hold it back. I try as hard as I can to focus on the little details around me. The way I make my bed 4 times, setting the pillows up just right. The way I paint my nails 6 times, each time a different color. It's not that I messed up or anything...it's just, I couldn't get the right color. I twirl my ponytail and try to meditate, I try to block out every single thing in my mind....but starts to come to me again.

Your loosing Summer Roberts....He's got you and you know it. It doesn't matter if he went away and left you. It doesn't matter if every single little feeling he left me was scribbled into a note. As I read it over and over again that self imposed bitchiness that had melted so much away with him started to build up in the ways that I'd realized I'd don't the one thing I've always vowed I would never do. I'd let him in. I'd let him see every single part of me, and obviously it wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough as I read the scribbled words, and felt the tears build up against the rims of eyes. I was so pathetic. I realized then, I couldn't even keep the single promise I'd held to myself. The single thing that made up my existence. I was supposed to have control. It was me. It was always about me. Loosing it wasn't an option. And I had ended up weak, and crying on Seth Cohen's floor.

So that's why I was pathetic. I was pathetic. I was weak. He had won. I was done. The words started to leak in my mind. I tried to block them out. I tried to concentrate on the pink flowy letters on the self-help books, on the sparkles in my nails, and just hoping that maybe the moment would pass. It only got louder as I grabbed onto the carpet and shut my eyes tighter. It was no use. I had to do something.

"Face it you lost, your nothing anymore."

Whispers, repeated in my head. I couldn't shut it out no matter how many candles I burned, no matter how many books I books I bought, no matter how tall my shoes were, and how many boys I kissed. It didn't matter if my lips were glossy and my curls were perfect,

I was nothing now.

The heat of the early fall night filled the private street, and I knew exactly where I was going. I knew exactly what I was doing. And all I really wanted to hear was the sound of my flip-flops against the driveway and got into my car. Traces of summer still hung in the air. Like the way the windwhipped my hairacross my face, still warm from the day's heat. And as the music blasted through my stereo, all I wanted for once for it to be quiet. Driving along the shoreline with every thought running through my head.

I ended up wondering in the dark. The wet grass against my toenails. The door wasn't locked, and I couldn't see that well in the dark. It smelled like boys, and clean all at the same time. I couldn't see much. Just half unpacked bags, and rearranged furniture. I saw him in the middle of it. Sleeping on the pullout bed. Looking peaceful and asleep, and so quiet in despite of everything he had been through. He looked a little older, even in his sleep. I knew he had been home for about a week. Home....yeah he was home. Ryan and I were similar creatures.

You might not think that but as you looked at us we really were. Everything I did, everything I breathed people had always been looking at me. It was hard not to. His eyes started to open and I stood back a little. At first he looked confused. The only light the pale purple and yellow shadows against the glass sliding doors, and the blue light from the pool reflecting in the dark.

"Whose there?" He said alarmed at first. As I stood against the door I think he was expecting me to be Marissa. But instead of dark blue ones he saw brown.

"Hi" I said stepping into the light a little more, and he looked confused at first a little.

"Summer? Hey. What are you doing here?"

He said in such a Ryan like way. Like he had to take care of everyone or something. Like he had to be considered as to why I was in his bedroom in the middle of the night.

"I...just." And suddenly it occurred to me. It all broke through again, and this time not in crumbles. In chunks, and pieces, and everything and every part fell through. Streaming at first. I didn't realize it as I stood there crying in front of Ryan. Crying in the blue pool light, vulnerable and beautiful. I couldn't pretend in that exact moment with my intentions so built up in my head. I couldn't pretend in the blue light with pink flip flops on and my nails with six different coats on them. The little drops imperfect and unorganized. Choking on the air with sobs. All I could feel was him trying to comfort me awkwardly at first. Touching me, shushing me and trying to look me in the eyes. I put my head on him and sobbed. Me, Summer Roberts, crying in front of him, because really he was the only person I could cry in front of.

I had gone there to sleep with him. I had gone there to fill the sense of control that I longed for. Because I wasn't fine. I wasn't everything. And in those little moments in front of Ryan, all I could do was cry. And all I could do was realize. And I was loosing with every part of me that was sobbing right there. My hair stuck to my face, and I didn't know where else to go from here. Eventually forgetting in the blue pool light that I was supposed to come here to get back at Seth. That tonight I was supposed to sleep with Ryan and take back everything I had.

And even in my state of mind, I wondered if everything would ever be alright again.


	2. In the Light

**author's note:** I think this going to be switched to R because of what's coming. Actually I really don't know what's coming this could go anywhere. Read, and feedback is _always_ apperciated..

Mornings are always kind of a blur. Preparing myself for the day always is. Curls, glitter, gloss, ponytail, jeans, sparkles, and pink. All run together. Today proved no different. In little selections, I pretend to care. It's all about the appearance in the big game I play. A short skirt, some lip gloss, and combed out hair. I know I can be tough with these things. I know I can manipulate with these little things. Driving down the highway to school, everything going past me, the music blasting through my speakers. My window's down and I put my hand out of it, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag.

It's not like I started smoking again on purpose, I mean, ew, the only time I ever did that was like in 8th grade like to be cool, but it was something I did now. I wasn't even sure exactly why. Wearing hugeblack sunglasses my dark hair sticks to my lip gloss and so I tuck it behind my ears, and drive along the shore. Everything here is so perfect, and so beautiful, so protected, and yet I still want the world, and then some. When I get to school I live my life out in the way everyone expects me to. Parking up front in my reserved spot, finding Marissa and giving her a hug. The sun is shining bright today, and she still looks sad. She always looks sad these days. Everything in my perfect world is built up on routine; I'm not quite sure what I'd do if it all shattered down. But then again, why am I trying to make it break in every way possible then? I closed my brown eyes but no one can see them behind my sunglasses, thinking is way too difficult sometimes. Especially when I'm already concentrating. Concentrating on pretending.

"Summer, I love your skirt!" Some girl…Alicia I think? Comments on as I walked arms linked with Marissa into the quad.

"Thanks!" I say back with a bouncy smile. My glossed lips parted, flashing something irresistible. I know a lot of people hate me for this. I know a lot of people love me for this. It's all part of the grand charade. And I'm the star. Seth Cohen is sitting with Ryan at a table in the courtyard. I would pretend not to notice, but as long as I'm being honest, I'll admit that I do. I admit that I give him the once over; he's so fucking skinny and so fucking stupid. I get a diet coke and bite my straw. But I'd never admit it's in frustration. As the day goes on I do everything right. I ignore Ryan as he passes me in the hall, and ignore the flushed embarrassment at the fact that he knows now. He knows and he saw it all. I make a point in my head that I must never talk to Ryan again. Or at the very least pretend nothing happened. Because nothing happened, right? I keep on walking, and keep on sending something irresistible at those specially selected. I nearly choke on my own lip-gloss when I hear someone all too familiar say something from behind me.

"Summer Roberts." I turn around to fine the petite blonde with the shaggy little pixie cut falling into her eyes, in a light purple tank top and faded blue jeans. She looks older somehow, a lot less doe eyed. I smile at her, my lips parting and eyes slanting just a little.

"Anna!" I say. Maybe I can just blow her off, dismiss her because she is just this annoying remembrances of last year. She has seen me at my weakest, and she might even have this crazy idea that me and her are equals. I mean what if she thinks she has like some power over me? I keep on smiling. Hopefully she'll just go the fuck away.

"What are you doing here?" because…I really do want to know. I thought she had gone to Pittsburg or Philadelphia or something like that. What was she doing back here, reminding me?

"I decided to move back for a little bit. Finish up senior year here, I got an offer for an internship out here that I couldn't really refuse. I figured I'd just finish up school here and then graduate maybe even earlier than all of you."

Perfect. She was here to stay.

"So Summer… I know you and Cohen aren't together anymore, I talked to Ryan this morning and I'm not going to act all stupid and pretend like I don't know. I know things were weird between us but I was thinking we could start the year off as, friends, I mean for like real."

Friends? Was she fucking kidding? I had so many better things to do, and I was right she DID think we were equals. Did she not realize I was doing a favor here standing here and talking to her?

"Yeah of course!" I said with a smile and a little head nod. "Friends would be great!" I hoped she'd let me go now. I could hear the breaking sound of my perfect little routine start to fall apart. I really couldn't let that happen.

"So like….you wanna come ditch 7th with me then?" She said her, blowing her little pixie cut out of her eyes. Big eyes hopeful.

I wanted to say no. I mean like I really did. But for some reason I had to go with her.

So that's really how I ended up giggling with Anna behind some convenience store. She passed the joint from me to her. My sparkly nail polish was just so interesting all of a sudden.

"It's just so sparkly Anna! I MEAN LOOK!!"

I raised my hand up in the sunlight. There were so many sparkles!! I didn't know where to start counting them. Infinite, and it was so fucking funny! I let myself lean against the brick coldwall and laughed together in the late afternoon's fading light. In my right mind I would have been disgusted with myself, but I wasn't in my right mind. And for nowI couldn't remember the last time I was in my right mind. It just felt so nice not to pretend.I was just so exhausted. So damn tired.

You might have even looked at us and dismissed us as just two high teenage girls from the outside. But we were both much more fucked up than that. And as much as we both would never admit it, we were both loosing control over the same thing. And that was the common bond we'd always hold. But soon I'd know I'd have to check Anna off my list, because now she knew my weaknesses. But for now I just giggled in the orange sun light, and wasn't myself. But then again these days, when was I ever?


	3. In the Water

When I got home it was later then I had hoped for. My platforms had gum on them and my hair smelled like smoke. Oh, and I guess you can't really forget the fact that I was still high as a kite. Although it slowly drifted away as reality crept over me. My house was empty as usual. My dad working late, and my step mom god knows where. Probably out de-stressing or getting more botox for that god awful plastic face of hers. I wouldn't ever admit I was lonely, or longing for something as the lavender carpet met my eyes as I closed the door to my room.

I ran my fingers through my almost tangled hair, and looked in the mirror. My eyes were red, and my hair, hadn't been brushed since morning. My lips weren't glossy anymore, and the corners of my eyes had collected tears from the dazed out redness spreading across the whites of my eyes. This caused my eye makeup to be smudged ever so slightly. I turned away because I really didn't want to know anymore. All I wanted was to forget I had just spent the afternoon giving into indulgences, and shattering part of my build up with Anna Stern.

So naturally I drew a bath and tried to slip it all way. Let it slip away into the purple bubbles, and lily soap. Everything could be better right? Right? As soon as I got out of the tub, I'd be me again, right? Everything just had to be okay…. It couldn't not be. My cell phone was ringing in the other room, but I tried to block it out.

"Focus Summer." I said as I scrubbed myself and tried to forget. Because that's what half my life had become. "Just forgetting." I slipped away as I dazed out into the soapy bubbles, their happiness meeting my eyes as they slip, slip, slipped around! I giggled. How silly they were. The warmth of the bathe over come me slowly, and finally I did forget. I gave into the warmth and happy bubbles, and the buzz of the lights, and the buzz in my head. It all swirling into me, and the purple tinted tub water.

"Just forget it." I said to myself, "Forget Cohen, Forget that you just smoked a bowl with Anna Stern and you might've told her you still loved Cohen, Fuck I mean I don't love Cohen. I HATE COHEN. Forget it that you tried to sleep with Ryan two nights ago and started to cry in the blue pool house light. Forget it all." Slipping underwater, happiness came over me. But still in the back of my stoned mind, all I could think about was this random memory of Cohen that kept popping into my mind. Him and me, laying near the edge of his bed. He had thought I was asleep. "Summer." He had said, to me. But I didn't respond, I just moved a little. "Summer." He said again. And I remembered being a little irritated because really all I wanted to do was sleep.

"Summer, I, I love you."

He had thought I was asleep. But I wasn't. And for some reason in my current state, that's all I could think about, with the swirly bubbles and half spinning room.


	4. In the Mirror

3 days later it had somehow turned into Friday again. Legs crossed sitting in 7th hour honors English I studied the split ends of the girl's hair in front of me. I felt bad for her. Her name was Amanda Harper. I knew this because she was in every single one of my classes this trimester. She'd moved here from Sacramento and was on scholarship at Harbor. To be honest, I really kind of felt bad for the kids on scholarship. They didn't "blend" in as much as the administration would've loved to think in this "diverse" community. Yeah, right. Like you can't tell the difference between the girl in Lacoste and a Chanel handbag, and the one with LEI jeans and the beat up Jansport one.

The heat was starting to get to me. It was incredibly warm for a Friday in October. I had carefully selected a beautiful light blue Free People sweater with a lacey purple undertoned cami peaking out from underneath. Subtle, but undeniably sexy of course. Every single guy I had walked past had tried to check out my boobs today. My jeans were starting to get really itchy though, same with the sweater. In the air-conditioned and cool morning everything was smooth and collected. But here in the afternoon heat, and at the end of the day, I was starting to fall victim to a less than perfect appearance. I couldn't exactly take the sweater off; I'd look like a total slut.

But keeping it on was killing me. My hair, which had been blow-dried and shiny this morning, was starting to curl at the ends. Pulling it back away from my face, I sighed and tapped my pencil against the wood desk. The bell rang, breaking my thoughts of nothing. I grabbed my light pink Fendi tote and headed for the door. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of school today. Unfortunately, I didn't make it there.

"Summer, Summer wait up!"

Oh fuck.

I put on my best face, but not exactly a welcoming one and turned around to face a piece of yesterday's hell.

"Hey Anna." I threw in a twinge more of dismissing annoyance. "What's going on?" I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to know that I wasn't that girl from yesterday. I mean shouldn't she know I'm BETTER than that? She didn't take the hint.

"Well, yesterday you and me made plans. To hit up that party on Suracose. I think Krista? Is it? Is having that HUGE party. I know you think I'm like not one for parties, but coming back to Newport I kind of…need and want to be introduced to the scene again. You know, like before I kind of almost didn't like it cause Cohen didn't like it…and…"

She'd said it. It's amazing how much his name almost made me wince. I almost expected everyone to almost see right through my eyes to that picture of me crying every bit of myself onto his floor last July; Or me pleading with all my heart, leaving him those stupid messages every day for a weeks begging him to come back. Telling him how much I needed him, every day for 2 weeks. I couldn't help it. Even with every bit of a good actress I thought I'd become, I was still afraid people would see right through me to how weak I actually was when it came to him. I sure as fuck couldn't let them. So just to prove him wrong, just to put away that picture of me I smiled and told her excitedly how fun that would be.

Just to show myself I could be around something that was part of that old vulnerable version of myself, because I, the new Summer Roberts, was that much stronger. I could totally get ready in my room, throw outfits on my bed where me and Cohen had been together so many times in. I could totally go through my closet with Anna and give her outfits. 3 hours of all of this was surely not even like, that hard, right?

"You're clothes are fantastic, Summer. Your boobs are way bigger than mine and this looks way better on you but still they're amazing."

"Oh shut up! You look incredible Anna!" I glanced at her. Up and down. True, her small pixie sized everything didn't quite fill out my silver sequined and brown silk Roberto Cavalli mini dress like I did, but she still did look cute. Her funky retro style being replaced with my designer glamour kind of fit her actually.

I had managed to blow dry her hair so it looked a little longer. Her bangs in front, her hair just reaching her chin. Her pink cheeks slightlytan with my darker toned MAC golden hued bronzer. She really was pretty. Suddenly I felt the urge to look into the mirror. Next to her. Comparing little things about us, my eyes flickered. Subconsciously but never dare admitting to myself that I was wondering if Cohen ever found her more beautiful than me. Did he still find her more beautiful…Did he ever love her?…. Did he still love her?

"Fuck, I cannot WAIT to get to this party!" I made my tight lipped mirror face, tilting my head slightly up and brushed a stray piece of glossy black hair away from my eye.

"Me neither!" Her Perky McPerk attitude starting to get to me just a little. It only occurred to me once or twice if this was as weird and difficult for her, but after awhile I got the uncomfortable feeling that she was being really genuine.

Not that I wasn't or anything, I mean sometimes I was. Anna and I totally bonded over some stuff, I really did like her, she just also happened to know all those hidden parts of me that she knew from last year.

"You look, incredible." She was gazing at me, obviously genuinely impressed. I wondered if I made her feel self-conscious. I wonder if she knew she did the same to me. And over the same thing. "So do you! Let's go hit this party tonight! I mean we're hot and young and single, and there's going to be TONS of guys there."

And for once, as I flipped around flashing Anna a deviously charisma packed smile.

I totally meant it...Sort of.


	5. In the Charade

You've all seen teen movies right? The kinds where the kids are all having a great time, the beautiful girls giggling and squealing and holding onto their boyfriends as their hips groove to the beat of the latest top 40 hit? Hair flying, beautiful people, the hum of the coming together of the surrounding area's social circles. Well sort of. Because mostly if you're at this, you're "in". The exclusive one. If you're there you are part of the blessed ones. Or, you could be type B: those climbing their way to the top of the social ladder by providing some kind of perk or another. You've all seen this right? You know what I'm talking about, whether you've been there or just seen it.

Whether you've been Jake with the beer you bought with your older brother's I.D. or Sarah whose parents are gone for the weekend… and you have never really done anything wrong but when word gets round that you have this empty house…and all the bored beautiful ones need a place to take hold of things change. Suddenly your name is suddenly being thrown around and sought after like that limited edition YSL white eyelet dress seen on the mannequin in the savvy section of Bloomingdale's at Fashion Island.

Regardless if you're Sarah, or Jake, or just you…you all have your ideas about the teenage party scene. In my world, it's always been your ideas…times ten. It's Kelly with the coke, or Shannon with her mom's beach house for the weekend and Brandon's dad has a share in 87 of the real estate of Southern California so pull up your mom's Mercedes (or your very own white Lexus you got as a present for "good" grades) and pour yourself a glass of cold Stoli's over ice at the just add water Wet Bar. Everything is always at our fingertips, everything is always within a perfectly manicured fingertip's grasp. Tonight Kristin's party at Suracose was no different.

We took my silver BMW and drove the familiar drive down the Pacific Coast Highway. Music blasting the newest by Interpol, one of Cohen's last CDs he made for me before our untimely end. Yes, a bit of a jab at Anna. Driving a beautiful car, and letting her wear my beautiful clothes while playing the CD of the boy I had won over her was all supposed to make me feel good and well. Supposed to make me feel powerful and indestructible, like I used to. I had painted my pink nails black tonight, in a sudden urge in my room with Anna. "Linkin Park After Dark" the bottle of OPI had said and I had laughed to myself. Usually I would cringe at such a color but not tonight. My glossy black hair hung loose, and in the wind I didn't even mind it. I was dressed to kill and I tried as hard as I could to remind myself that I knew it. A black silk BCBG halter that hung in all the right places draped and my newest skinniest dark washed pair of Joe's Jeans. Faded black kitten heels and dangling diamond earrings a la my stepmother completed my look. Fierce. Sex Kitten. Meow. Anna was adorable as usual. Spunky and even playing dressed up in my clothes she looked fresh and funky like some sort of new aged Twiggy. Fucking adorable. And as we found a spot nearly a block away and I cursed to myself about walking so far in my heels she just chippered on about how great the night would be. Of course I smiled back like the team she thought we were on. Christ, I bet nearly expected a new arrival of "TEAM ANNA AND SUMMER!" tshirts at Lisa Kline for us to wear matchy matchy around school.

But as I slid open the all glass paneling side door the "any real estate's orgasmic dream" beach house, I could feel my adrenaline rushing. The way they all looked at me, even when being discrete. Because that first time harbor party scene girl by the wet bar flirting with the water polo players, in her fresh tennis skirt from Juicy Couture and her hair pulled back trying oh so hard, that girl knew me. They all knew me. And as suffocating as my life had been, that blissful few seconds of empowering Anna in that room got me off more than repeating any mantra in the Dr.Philesque self-help books late at night. Call me crazy, I think I've already figured that something has fallen off with me. Not that I'd admit that to the world. Of course the water polo team, and the soccer team made their way over. Popped collars, big white smiles, trying to get me my drink of choice in hopes that maybe I'd shed my black La Perlas for them tonight in the upstairs bedroom. Anna clung to my side her eyes scouting the room for Seth. I judged it silently, but in the back of my mind I knew I was doing the same thing. Fucking Seth Cohen. Of course this thought made me flirt more wildly with Christopher or Charlie…or whatever his name was.

I kept it under control though and even humored Anna by letting her share in the flirtation but I knew it was me they wanted. The quirky blonde… or the infamous Summer Roberts, I knew it wasn't a hard choice to come by. Without Marissa at my side to look after a most of these parties that I slipped to in the night now, I knew I could think more about myself. My loyalty to Coop is really undeniable, and I would never drink around her, especially now after all she has gone through. That's really how much I love her. But in the night, here, when I get away from it, when I could throw back my head and give into the dizzy night and forget how much I had truly lost is when I thought of no one but myself. The music jumps into your bones, and I let Josh, or whatever, dance with me. Anna grooved at my side with the lesser version of whatever boy I was letting touch my hips. My hair stuck to my lip-gloss and I let him slide his hands firmer on my hips, because I had what he wanted. I had the power. I could flirt with danger as much as I fucking wanted to. I turned around, letting the music get the best of me, putting my lips so very close to his.

"You want it?" I whispered against his ear. Turning to look him hard in the eyes.

He groaned, nodding as I drifted my hand lower, never breaking eye contact.

"You really do?" I said my hands back on his back, the raised feeling of sweaty polo shirt and Ralph Lauren Cologne against my fingertips.

"Yes!" But he couldn't look at me.

Loser. I let go, trotting away at the call of my name by some other guy or girl at the wet bar. Leaving whatshisface on the dance floor with a massive boner. This to me was funny as I covered my mouth and giggled. Because I did this all the time, sometimes flirting with the idea of taking them upstairs, sometimes I did, but I never let them fuck me.

Because in the end, I am not as vulnerable as my doe eyes look. I wasn't going to give into some water polo fantasy, if anything I was going to live out my own. Anna ran after me as I slid down at the bar, taking a seat and put her hand on my thigh.

"That…was…AWESOME!" Her voice high and bubbly as champagne. She was clinging to the bar, already riding the edge between quite tipsy and drunk. She touched my arm and I gave her a weak smile.

"This party…Summer, everything is so incredible." And I smiled again, because it was. I was used to it though. Everything was always dancing around words like "amazing, incredible…fabulous." But I was getting bored and there was that feeling in my nerves again. I was starting to feel it again, like how I felt in the blue light of the pool house as I crept in to regain what was lost by washing it down with the prospect of having sex with Ryan. The chattering, almost like a cold chill that made me feel exposed and transparent… like glass in this house full of people. Anna looked at me with her big eyes and quizzical drunk looks, and my heart caught as I saw something on the other side of the room. A track jacket, black curly hair, gangly posture:

Seth Cohen registered immediately in my mind.


End file.
